Home Away From Home

Today at CBT I was asked to plot my life chart. I knew some basic ones - potentially my highest and my lowest, but was interesting to try and plot 35 years into a piece of paper. I labelled the years under my age.  I was sure on the lowest: 2015. The year where everything was fine and nothing felt right. That was easy. I even knew the date - 18 July 2015, the day of my 34th birthday.  I did have the relative question on where to plot the lowest. Is my lowest zero or just average. Will my lowest a blip when i try and do this chart at age 60? I quickly moved on to what i rationalized as my second low, at age 15. Interesting enough, despite the havock of my father leaving at age 15, it did not feel nearly as bad as last year. Is it distance from the event? Can't tell. I can't pinpoint what I felt that made it low, how I dealt, was hard to connect with it. Generally, my feeling was the point would have been much lower had I known how the secondary effects would last through to tod...

I usually fly by, potentially faster than time itself. As I started expecting #2 I tried to go into lower gear and let some things drop. I don't make it to the office at 7 sharp, I do no start up work, I recognise my brain can not process charity accounts every night, I dont tender to C's every cry at night. I thought I was doing pretty well.  As time went by I realized how tired I was and how my body was refusing to fly. It started to wear me down, how much I was uncapable of doing. In time I accepted age and everything else would not let me fly by pregnancy the same way as before. And I just had to accept it.  I was getting there, in the middle of agreeing a house move at 7.5 months pregnancy. And then I was left out of boss. I only have 10 pct more work but I have 200 pct more pressure and lack an un-measurable amount of support. And I am going away in 2 months. And I can feel the baby going against my sitting on the computer position multiple times a day. I am struggling a...

I never really dreamt of going into education, at least not from a managememt perspective. Granted I probably thought of being a teacher at some point in my childhood, but don't we all? (Maybe not). I have to admit dreams of changing the world through education, either business or non profit, would have made an awesome application essay for business school. But at the time I was all about Mozambique poverty - education was only one of the avenues.  But this idea came to me today, perhaps as part of my bigger things debate. What if I would go into education? It is a given I have thought many times of setting up an English school in Lisbon, but that is just a selfish mean to an end and I always recognise I am certainly not the most skilled person for the matter per se, even if I am opinionated about it. And then the realization comes - what about society changing schools, like (in theory) charter schools did in the US, like the KIPP academy that I read about in business school (if I ...

It's the sentence that does not leave my mind. So I put it on paper so it perhaps goes away.nor quiets in my uneasy mind. It is the end of the holiday, a short one this time, and this year i am back to normal with the holidays bringing me to think ahead more than I can see.  Years go by, now 12 away from home, 10 in London and banking. Is this it? When is this it? The job and career keep going strong. There is no reason to leave, we are all settled and growing. If it was not for that place in the sun, literally, could I stay put? Or perhaps the place in the sun is only the storefront and th excuse to help me get there? Or is it the obstacle? Am I even looking at anything else in London  ? Not really, the only real change I want starts with packing my bags towards the sun. But I know it is not real that it will bring the other things I aspire to.  I feel my life is meant to be more than this. A year ago, I was on the opposite side of the spectrum. I wanted to hit the break...

It has now been 3 days since the dawn hit us woth the Brexit vote. My mourning period should be over but I feel it is just starting. On Friday, we got voted out of the EU. Yes, we. At first, I thought I was being pessimistic and really this was not about EU workers, but really immigration and refugees. As reality hits, and despite the Mayor of London's message that we are welcome here, the UK has changed in the last 48 hours, and suddenly it became acceptable to insult foreigners in the street, to send them home, to tell them they are no longer welcome. This has been a really additional shocker to everything else that was already happening.  On Friday, I was immersed in sadness. I could not believe the magnitude of the decision that just happened and the implicarions for the UK, for Europe, and the world. Few crisis are so directly self inflicted as this one. I was in the office at 3 am, ready to see history unravel but really hoping I did it. Until 3, there was space for hope, fro...

I was trying to have a relaxing journey home, but then I have this group talking about the referendum next to me. And this clearly non Brit girl is saying she thinks she will vote to Leave. She has no particular reason, and when her friends try and explain the impact on the real estate, pound and economy, the answer is 'well, that is none of my business'. She goes on to say she won't be here for that long so that won't matter anyway. I want to scream - then just don't cast a vote if you don't feel strongly and you won't even feel the impact and you don't even know what it means!'. After the first silence her colleagues continue to talk about impact on jobs - she does not care - look if you work in Paris you can't be fired. I grab my ipad, I know my mind won't let this one go. And she ends with 'look I don't know much about it, but I think philosophically I will vote Leave...'. It takes another station for her collagues to react. ...

I am on Day 4 in the Maldives. It is still morning time and I can feel myself getting restless. I feel like I slept, ate and was healthy for the first 3 days and those were important priorities. Me and B are spending time together and enjoying having the time and facing tough choices like going to the Beach or the Water Villa, joining a yoga class or going to the spa.  I decided to finish my book today, The Happiness Trap. It may not be the book of my life (How google Works gets me way more excited, given I started it after this book and finished 2 weeks ago) but it is the book that helps me change my life. Unlike any other self help book it is not all about being positive embracing life, keeping happy. It is preciselly about how this chase of happiness leads you to a trap to then be dissatisfied whenever you are any less than perfectly happy. I had stopped the book as I could not get one of the tasks completed but now decided I had to reas through the end, as it was probably not r...

This time we are flying Qatar. I admit they have the best safety video ever, all stars Barcelona players. But other than that, once you fly Emirates, your expectations are immediately ruined for the near future. It is like the honey moon in the Maldives. Once you go there then you spend every anniversary wondering when it is reasonable to come come back. You go to the Caribbean and you compare all the things you liked better in the Maldives. And no arrogance (as you are obviously not making it your regular holiday resort), just pure nostalgy of such impressive standards.  So now we are in Qatar and I wish I was Emirates, even though I am sort of pleased to get some miles into my BA account. The series selection is poor, I don't recognisd any name on the list. I can't do movies as this is a 6 hours flight and I am too tired not to sleep. So I go for music. Nothing compares with the hits year by year that the Emirates offers. But then something calls my attention. Celine Dion, th...

What a wonderful day. I am grateful for this newly found ability to enjoy my surroundings. As this was the second weekend in a roll that we were in Lisbon, the should word was quieter than usual and B triggered the crazy thought. Let's just stay home and do nothing! Wow - can we do that, are we allowed? More than allowed, we do that in London all the time and it is possibly one of my few fears if I ever move here - the inability to do what we want over what others want.  We gave it a go and i indulged into cooking us a proper lunch. As we sat  to do nothing after lunch I commented 'what a luxury'. I truly was not familiar with the concept. And even better family came to visit so we had the combination of both worlds. I ended a day with a friend over for dinner over a bottle of wine. I am grateful for all the little moments that filled my day. I am grateful I did so many things I love in a single day, without even expecting. Thank you.

Standing up at Paddington with no rush to depart. I am the odd one out. I stand enjoying my first real moment of peace today, listening to the singer trying to make a life cheering people up with his music. Hold up the river. Can you really hold up a river? Feels like I am standing here in the middle of this flow and I could not hold up anything if I wanted. People run to trains in a rush to get home and I wondered if any of us has ever wondered if we just take the next train. The benefit of enjoying what is around us along the way rather than only what is on the other side.  And then reality hits. B rushes me into a train just because it is there and departing in 1 minute. It is packed and I cant walk. This is not what I want. I want to enjoy the ride there with C. It's her first time on the heathrow express. I fail, he gets in and I limp behind. I hold back the tears. The 17.55 was just as good as the 17.40. I wish I had been a few minutes late so there was at least no ...

We decided to vary from English countryside and try the English seaside instead. The prospects were not good. This week it snowed in London, the week was grey and cold, we were exhausted from a nasty week at work. For the first time in years we did not go in search of guaranteed warm sun as we always do in the first May Bank Holiday. Initially planned as a Cornwall trip, our weekend turned to the Isle of Wight, also unknown to us.  Isle of Wight is not disappointing so far. The classic English manor house at the Priory Bay Hotel offered us a superb room with a view overlooking the estate and the sea. The friendly staff are welcoming of our unstoppable toddler though we are surprised to see almost no guests (after the website said they were full and we called just to give it a try). The estate also give us direct access to a large sandy beach (from where I started this blog) where we spent a long lazy time watching the sea, collecting stones and throwing up them back at the water. T...

OYesterday I went to a talk on how to achieve Gender Equality by Prof. Iris Bohnet. I don't go to much of these and I was nervous as I took my boss along and it might not be great. I left with a page full of notes, wanting to tell everyone about what I just heard and my boss bought the book. Mission accomplished. I never thought of my dad as a feminist, but I guess he was. I grew up wanting to be 'owner of Daddy's company' as in the boss and I never saw my gender as an impediment. Even though he imported construction machinery and there were no women in the business other than my mum, the assistants and the accountant, that never stroke me as much. When I gave him my grades, he always asked who had been better. At times I condemned him for it, but today I focus more on how gender agnostic he was. As I started looking for jobs he was keen to see me suceed and not settle for my first job (which I kind of did). He never took it that I would take anything else than the best...

Second time writing this post, as I hit the wrong key on the ipad. But I won't be stopped, not today.  Today, i became the official mother of a 3 year old, as we threw C's birthday party. I was not here for her birthday as we were in Cape Town. It broke my heart but it could not be avoided. I wanted to be there for Pedro and Sonja special day.  So i thought I would have an urge to over compensate. While I did a bit shopping wise, i did not with the rest. Because i feared drowning in my fears, zi was extremely alert to them. I did not fuse with them, i recognise them and said hi when they came, and eventually they must have gotten bored of waiting for me to stress out and took off to haunt someone that could be haunted. I absorbed the moments of exhuberant happiness as C danced, opened presents and did magic. I asked for help when I needed, including as I struggled with decorations. I even went for a touch of make up and half a nail polish before the party took off. I did not c...

The prospect of spending the next 16 hours in not one but two airplanes is never an appealing one. But as I board my Lisbon Dubai Emirates flight suddenly the anxiety fades. There are so many mitigating factors. The smile on everyone is contagious! My seat has space and my screen is impressively larg. I only get annoyed by all the announcements in the beginning of the flight but that is only because I want to see the cameras.  As we take off i watch the beauty of the front camera as we speed through the skys. But it is really the under plane camera that makes it all a notch above. One of those mments worthy of a picture we see the landscape below us marked only by the shadow of the airplane. We are excited to try and recognise the places we pass by and I am already excited to think of how beautiful the landing back in Lisbon will be.  After my short take-off nap, which I have since I joined banking in 2004 and never left me, only to get interrupted by vague attempts to keep my...

I gave up on french fries for Lent. Not a big thing for most people, a hell of a big thing for me. A lot of people still find it weird that you would give up on something. And then others turn and say "well I gave up on chocolate". Chocolate would have been easy for me, I must admit. It feels a bit thing for many people but I am not a sweet tooth. Bread and french fries were the big things left on my list, and I must admit I don't feel I should punish others from my own sacrifice, so bread was out of the question. I was certain to be unbearable, unsociable and a real pain if I gave up on bread. So I chose french fries. I never thought I would but on Ash wednesday as it came to my mind I knew it had to be. Does God ask me to give up on anything? No, not at all. Religion, as most things in life, is a choice. My faith is aligned with my values, the religion I chose to follow is as well, most of the times, but not at all times. It has been 12 years since I started giving ...

As we used our last energy to drag dinner to the table, wine was in order. A hug after we put C to bed gave us strength to have a dinner for 2 before we surrendered to a day of early rise (for me), playdates, yoga, more playdates and an end of day with a restless toddler.  We have a wine subscription which sends us random wines which has helped us discover a few new good wines (and others not so good). I rejected south african as we will spend 5 days in South Africa next week so we were goong for zaustralian, as we are not going there anytime soon. Suddenly we see a Portuguese wine in the mix and easily decided to give it a try. Valoroso was a top choice for dinner. Unexpectedly from the Setubal region, as I would not have willingly ordered it deom a wine menu. Full body and flavoured but surprisingly not too strong. Or so I thought as it boasts a 14.5% volume label hidden in back. No wonder I am getting so numb. Yoga and now this...  It was an excellent companion to our lamb ...

Today I changed the colour of my blog. Yesterday i changed the style. It was the first time I wrote about something external (e.g. not me) without worrying about who might be bothered by it. The authors talk inspired me to just write and be less worried on who to please or displease, more likely the latter.  For no good reason, as this was not even a topic at the talk.  Because of my work I tend to avoid talking about anything work related, but figured that is probably a bit of an extremist view of what I could actually be doing. Since my very first op ed to the Financial News (which I had hoped would not be the last) got censored, I read and re-read the policy to see the limits of what I can do.  But then again, I am not really talking about work. I am not really bothering clients or colleagues. I am just writing and most likely no-one is reading. And so if I feel like taking a view, I just might.  This blog has been a lot about thoughts in life and feelings...

Yesterday, I went to a Harvard Alumin talk on 'making a living in the book writing businss'. It is part of a series of talks, the first was about writing on the side of your everyday life, the second was about publishing and this one for those people that actually want to make a living out of it. I clearly missed all the past ones, as I missed most things in the last 12 months, but as part of my rediscovery of my values, I decided this was something I wanted to go to. It was 3 doors down, there is not much closer it could get.  I want to get my notes out but th tube is jammed, so I need to write out of recolllection. This is weak at times but either that or probably another 6 months without touching this blog. I have not written since Paris, that was a long haul. I blame T, as I have been emailing things I would potentially have written down, so she is using up my inspirarion. But maybe one day those thoughts will make their way here as well. But back to the talk. I want to pas...