Home Away From Home

If i ever thought it would take a 3 week old to keeping me from keeping my cool I would have thought myself wrong. But I admit there are hours that are more of a challenge. I think the worse is the feeding or the lack thereof. It is hard to feel you need 'time off' after that one hour and a half and you can't help but feel like sh*** because you are not supposed to need time off! And plus the rest is also the fun stuff, so you want to be doing fun stuff too... But you just can't do it all because that weighs on your sanity. I guess I need the sanity more than the sleep so I will try to go back to my old self and sleep less to stretch the day. Let's see how that works out!

It is hard for someone like me, someone so used to being on top of everything though always fighting time. Someone used to just sleeping less to sort any delays, to just do one more stretch and methodically go through my to do list. And now I have no control. Don't get me wrong, I am loving it, C is a piece of heaven and she is truly not a difficult baby. But perhaps she comes after is and she is awake a lot in the afternoon which means she takes control of the afternoons!! Sometimes she is just being interactive, listening or cuddling so it is not like i even notice. Bi just get to 7pm and say - oh day is gone again! We will find a way!

It has almost been a week and though it is still hard to believe we are some miles away from that feeling. The past six days have been intense and the funny thing is i can't help but think I had the best preparation for motherhood - investment banking... And B had consulting. It is a marathon, not a sprint, as people always say, though it may feel like a sprint in many laps. It will be intense like a sprint but it it will over last your patience, tolerance and best understanding like a marathon. I might struggle enjoying all the wonders of all the 'first times' would i not have a past of sleeping at late hours, short nights and recovering with a few couple of hours and no more. Yes, it is still hard on me, but i am amazed to just focus on the beauty of it and the aftermath that easier also means the wonder is replaced by anything less than a miracle like feeling.

Everything is so hard to believe at the moment. Hard to believe it all happened yesterday. Hard to believe she is here. Hard to believe she is here already. Hard to believe she is ours to keep. Hard to believe this little life now depends on us and everything we do will have an impact on her. And hard to understand all that this means in real terms.