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Proud #mother and proud

Second time writing this post, as I hit the wrong key on the ipad. But I won't be stopped, not today. 
Today, i became the official mother of a 3 year old, as we threw C's birthday party. I was not here for her birthday as we were in Cape Town. It broke my heart but it could not be avoided. I wanted to be there for Pedro and Sonja special day. 
So i thought I would have an urge to over compensate. While I did a bit shopping wise, i did not with the rest. Because i feared drowning in my fears, zi was extremely alert to them. I did not fuse with them, i recognise them and said hi when they came, and eventually they must have gotten bored of waiting for me to stress out and took off to haunt someone that could be haunted. I absorbed the moments of exhuberant happiness as C danced, opened presents and did magic. I asked for help when I needed, including as I struggled with decorations. I even went for a touch of make up and half a nail polish before the party took off. I did not care of who was late and who had to go, in fact my watch was still in the wrong timexone. I had wine when i felt like wine, i chatted when i felt like chatting. In the last 48 hours, i was the rock star super power mother that everyone thinks me to be. But this time I owned it. It did not enrage me, indeed I embraced the homerun I did in the 24 hours I had to prepare this party and the selective advanced preparation i did a few weeks back. I was everything I probably always was but was not able to really feel it lately. I am damn proud of myself, to the point I am smiling when I write this post for the second time despite having lost some of my first thoughts.
I like my upward trajectory. More to come. 
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