Home Away From Home

Yesterday morning I saw Laura. As I approached her to hug her for the events of Friday night, I realized she was in pain. As I remembered her FB post on Sunday about the loss of one of her school friends, I hugged her for her pain and said I was sorry. What else could I say.  Friday night had already been frightenly close but seeing Laura made it all too real.  I was impressed about the post I read from one of the survivors. As she lied down on the floor between the other corpses, her last thoughts as she waited to be next to have her 22 year old life ended were of love, rather than anger or rage of what was happenig to her. She focused on sending warm thoughts to those she loved in the hope they knew how much she cared for them. She went further to re-assure the families of those dying next to her that their last whispers were of love and not anger. It gave me hope in the future,  I was moved by this, though at the same time I wonder if this lack of reciprocity would jus...

I have not written in a while. As I hit the bottom I was afraid of what might come out and what might be registered in the web for eternity. But it does not matter. As I go through this stage I know that writing is probably one of the best things I can do, and keeping things inside one of the worst. And short of re-starting my book (or books) any time soon, as they feature about 27 in my list of things I wish I could do, this is just as good.  People used to write diaries, now they blog. I reas on facebook that people used to be upset if someone read their diary, now they get angry if no one reads their blog. It is a funny phenomena. I must say that most of times I think no-one is reading, so why bother, and even those reading won't miss it amongst all other things they surely read. But then a comment comes through, an email reminds me of something I wrote and I know that someone out there comes and visits my home away from home. For good or bad :)

All of me is playing on my brand new Amazon Music. I love it and I am on song one. I miss music. I realized it a while back, but now that I drive a short 10 minutes to the train station every morning I recognize my old self singing and thinking nothing for the short duration of the songs that the UK radios allow in the morning. They are clearly more into talking.  I sit after a night in with by babe C. I decided to take an easy one tonight and we had dinner in our brand new kitchen counter, reading stories and feeding each other (yes, she also fed me). I took it as peaceful as possible (within the constraints of having a feisty 2 year old) and we finished with cookies and cuddles in the sofa.  I now sit down with Lisbon and the river coming from the left of my window all the front and towards Cascais the lights on my right. I know it won't be a productive night but I also know it does not have to be. It is just what I need, after a happy day celebrating my Dad's 70 and h...

As life moves on in London, the few years have now become 11 years and I can't help but wondering. As we get into a bigger rent, school fees, nanny and everything else we already had before, you are not as far from break even as you would hope to be for living away from your home for 11 years.  The feeling is more accute after buying the house in Lisbon, that is for sure. It is not that I did not grow to love London - I really do. I would miss our life here, the feeling of only having ourselves to respond to, the spontaneous brunches, visits to the park at C's insistence, the Sunday mass just the 3 of us, my friends. And work of course, I would miss work, because I am still quite fond of it. Perhaps because it was the only thing I was not afraid to change over the last years.  But then I wonder if a career change would also not be in order - even though I committed to put my dedication to entrepreneurship on hold for this year - except legal flow - it is dormant and sometimes ...

 The day we bought a house was the day we moved in. This time we had planned to allow time for things to flow, cleaning, movers, gardener. But then everything failed and the exchange date kept being postponed. In the end, the day we bought the house was the day to do it all. As we signed close to 2 pm, the movers started unloading at 3pm, we unpacked and assembled and sat down in our newly IkEA bought garden furniture for some tapas at 7pm. We slept in our own bed, exhausted but happy that sometimes dreams come true. C was excited to pieces and well worth all the trouble of finding a (future) home with so much space to run around.  Tomorrow we need to go and only had a few moments to enjoy but we leave with more certainty of how much we want to return. (Especially because our new home in London is still in boxes)

My phisio today said the reason for my pain to continue may be my defiance. I asked her what she meant. She said I challenged all the adversities and kept moving on rather than stopping to solve them. How can I explain to her that had I stopped for each adversity this year, I would have stopped on the 2nd January and not recovered since? She says my life is always irregular and I spent all the time convincing her that in general my life has ups and downs like everyone else. But this year in fact there was a large concentration of downs, never giving time for the ups to really surface, and each down seems to have gone lower. All this to explain to her I would not be subscribing to a new gym yet and all I could do now was surviving the pain and do yoga to get my body slowly reacting. Two weeks ago she was upset at me, so last week I skipped it knowing the speech would be harsh after I went through the physical distress of my house move, an ikea visit and no yoga. I am glad I did.  Sh...

I am committed to writing more often, I think it will be good for me.  So as the week ends, I chose not to open my Princess sequel, as I know it will get me hooked again for tne next 3 days. The first book was quite strong. I can't say I was surprised but the reality check is harsh. I wonder what T feels about it. I read in her letter to her young self how she convinced her Dad to study abroad and be the first female in the family to do so. Some things in the book may resonate with her. Others are maybe a distant reality... Or so I would hope! I have been reading more. I missed devouring books like I used to do before sleep and ALG took over. It creates a sort of addition in me and I am not really free in my mind until I am over with it. The first ones I read after a long break were even worse, I used ever minute free with my kindle walking around the house to try and get a glimpse to the next paragraph. As the reading urge softens I am able to put the book down more often. It is a...

I lived my birthday away, in a weekend I did not want celebrations. As I reached the end of my exhaustion line, I knew blowing up was half an inch away. Above all, I have been always very conscious of the sadness that was taking over, of the feeling of frustration, of the way I felt in an endless fight. I have given up on doing it all a long time ago but still I was not coping with the 'few' things I had focused on for this year. And as more stones came along the way, strength was gone to fight it. So I hope I have now hit the bottom and used this date I always celebrated so lively to turn the tide and have a re-birth. I have reached out for help and I know I am not alone. 

On my 34th I thought maybe this year I would break with my tradition and not fundraise for  ALG as people may be sick of me doing it. But that thought lasted 30 seconds as I acknowledged the sense of accomplishment of pooling together friends and colleagues towards a common goal.  It is the best part of my birthday . And this is what I always do.    This year, I chose a new project and  I  fundraise as a mother . More than ever before I can recognise the value of education in my child's future, and the way it materially opens up opportunities in how she will see the world. So I  fundraise for young mothers in Mozambique , so they learn how to read and write. With this, they can have a second chance in life, though they may be as young as 16. More importantly, they will be more likely to give their kid education.   This is my birthday wish. Any of you wanting to help me with this effort is welcome to hit the link . https://mydonate.bt.com/fundraise...

It is hard to keep up with all that is going on. Between buying a house overseas and moving house in London, even after having already decided on both, is practically 200% capacity. When you add the health layer between the scare from my bigsis, and the multiple concerns with what must be the disease of the century hitting different members of the family, the overload alert is already high. And then you add yourself and all that over-work does to you, physically and mentally, and the bar is too high. Never Mind adding normal life things.  It is hard to keep up, as i gets to a point where it is no longer personal choice but ongoing things life throws at you. I use my 'busyness' with the way I chose to lead life and do many things. Now I long for the day when I can make that an excuse again!

Would it not be nice if sometimes life brought you goodies. If in the background miracles happen l ike a movie or a book, but one of those would sometimes be nice to happen in real life,  As tou get tired of rowing a boat empty handed and against currents, when not currents, winds, when not winds rain, you can't help but wondering if this is but a bad dream and you get ready to wake up any time. As I have convinced myself there are no Prince Frogs and expectations are key for you to be miserable, I have not had much day dreaming recently. But the same way when there are too many good things and any thing can turn the tide, you hope it is the opposite as well I guess. 

We managed a weekend away. Away in what was about to become the center of the unrest, which never really materialized. As Greece played chicken with Europe and lost, we loaded on euros and took off to Mykonos. It had been a few years since we last came, and I am glad we managed to shift everything around to be here, even though that meant C stayed with the nanny.  I am glad we came because it mattered to my sister. During the time we lived hell knowing she was at life risk, I know this is the one focus she kept - making it to Mykonos for the party. They had been planning it I guess for years and she made it her mission to speak about how she was going to make it. I guess that made people nervous, it made them think she did not understand the serious situation. I understood it did, and it was her choice to focus on life after, because there was nothing she could do about it then but wait for the surgery to be successful. And as soon as the suegery ended she followed the strict instr...

Working in charity has its benefits. And having my heart filled with joy to see a project come to life is top of my list. After fundraising heavily earlier in the year in order to try and support Silvestre to launch his community project to build burnt bricks. I was not entirely successful but luckily we found enough funds to kick it off. As Silvestre and his youth group of another 14 youngsters started bricks production, I knew this was something I absolutely had to do on my trip to Mozambique - to build a brick! Patiently, Silvestre guided me through the steps  - prepare the clay, fill in the brick mould by throwing the clay with as much strength as I could, cut the extra clay out with an improvised wire, remove the inner moulds and then gently but firmly push the brick out. I was proud to pull it through, and even signed it in the end. So maybe my brick won't go and be able to be part of a house or a school, but it is part of a dream, and one that I helped achieve. O...

I have been back for under 3 weeks and it already feels like so long. The ups and downs, more downs than wanted, have been immense and overwhelming.  I left Mozambique re-energized that we still found a way to go back, re-vitalized with all the plans I had, careful with notes of meetings and follow-ups, certain that everything was going to be ok. As I came back and reality started hitting, it took me until this weekend to make it through and accept it. I am not happy about it but I accept life won't always be smiling, and that yes, when it rains it pours. And by accepting I feel stronger in my conviction of enjoying the moments I have and be happy with the gifts life has given me.  I am loved, have a lovely child, have a dysfunctional family but one that loves me, have a hard job but one that I like, have a hard time coping with so many things but that is only because I have so many interests. We have struggled to feel happy this year and get back on our feet. But happin...

Leaving is always the hardest part. The uncertainty of the return; the continuity of what we are trying to develop; the weight of distance and of life on the other side. A few days ago I told UPG Portugal volunteers, who left Chokwé worrying about the unfinished work that the important thing is to focus on what was accomplished. The immensity of our mission - supporting over 2000 on a daily basis - invariably make us feel powerlessness or dissatisfied. But over the years I learn to focus on the small victories. I try to give Salvador enough hope to overcome the pain he felt over the past 2 years. I try to find out that the number of children at school is higher than the anxiety felt by the S. Vicente moms going through every product in the monthly basic basket. I try to feel that Sister Antónia’s vision for S. Luisa is stronger than the AIDS statistics that surpass every official number. Our mission is built on a case by case and child by child basis, trying to find in each one o...

Today I went back 11 years in my life…to my first trip to Mozambique as a volunteer in Escolinha do André. In this Africa day, Sister Beta marked the occasion (the teachers left because it was Africa’s day) with a sports tournament. When we arrived they already ran all over the place but the joy was still in the air. I was surrounded by children; hugs; hands that wanted to touch me; fingers searching for mine; soft strokes in my arms and in my clothes... It was the warmest welcome, and the children joined the party. It was already worth it for me. The surprise did not take long. Old students were warned that Mana ("Big Sis") Sara was coming and, for the first time, they showed up. Edia who sells in the market to provide for her 3 children – she sent the husband away… Irene has a small child and another one at the school. Salvador who was a skilled basket maker and spent two years in the Chokwé construction works… We reminisced on their lives, on their choices which drov...

Today cannot be described in any other way other than Celebration Day. From dawn to dusk the communities spoiled us and showered us with joy and gifts, always with a smile and a song. We started the day in the Banhine community where we joined the celebration (99% in changana dialect) of the Pentecost Day. From this point forward we didn’t stop celebrating. With lots of dancing, oranges, peanuts and  capolanas  (traditional cloths) we left the community with the car loaded. We talked about the importance of children’s studying and having the support of their families to enable them to make their future Little Gestures. Father Amine talked about the importance of charity. Everybody should give a little of what they have, if they do not have money they could provide other things. For instance a community Mom could, at the end of her day, help the little children practicing their ABC. It was a lively joyful visit filled with good ideas for the children’s future. We cont...

It's T-1. Tomorrow at this time I am on a plane to Maputo. I have been away for 2 years, it is too long. Mozambique will always break my heart apart. It breaks my heart to see what's there despite the joy of all we accomplish. It breaks my life to leave C behind but I can't wait to go back. It breaks my heart to leave without seeing every single child but time is too short there. It breaks my heart to spend so much time solving grown up problems when really I wanted to be hearing about children problems instead. It has always been such mixed feeling and such an attempt not to want more than I can get.  When going the important is to focus on the achievements and not the ones we failed, the ones that are in school and not the ones that pregnant, the ones rebuilding their homes rather than the ones who just lost it, the ones getting treatment for AIDS rather than the ones dying of it. It is hard, as the numbers usually are against you.  It's a long and hard ultra marathon...

As I sit in the tube, someone sings next to me in what sounds like arabic. It could not be, but looks like it. Echoing chants in a compenetrated fashion. You can see the surprise in some people's faces when they see someone humming on the train. But as they hear the type of humming, there is a slight cloud of fear that is hard to control. As I look around me I can't help but think many are thinking what he will do next. Reading the lyrics from his phone,that only I can see, as I sit next to him, this image is hard to ignore. The white big male in front of me is markedly checking for movements. I try to focus on my game and leave him in peace. Deep inside, I can't ignore it. And it is so unfair we feel like thi s. I focus on T and all the amazing arabs I know. How this could be a love song that he likes or his practicing or enjoys. How this could be his most efficient way to do his morning prayers. How this could not even be arabic for all I know. But what about all the peop...

Sometimes I feel too low. .  My job by nature involves a lot of rowing against the current, or sometimes just rowing on my own.  I have these immesurable drive to get results and some moments in th day, whére I look and evaluate what I have not progressed, it just brings me down. Today I almost cracked. It does not happen often, I must admit. Maybe I should have blogged during the day to help with the venting process.  An accumulation of incompetence, unwillingness and also just the absolute amount of work it needs to be done by a single person (me) has made me really question why bother. As B says, it's just money, and it's not mine. I wished I could feel like that today.  Maybe i just need to buy those supplements And naturally on top I feel like a bad mother. No matter how I spent the day thinking how I missed C, that wont bring me closer, and what does she care about my thinking. She wants me there. She has struggled with the last weeks, and has become more attac...

B is surprised I started blogging and writing again, now, of all times.  I have barely got any sleep last week, I have been stressed (which happens very rarely), I have been worried about not finishing my project, I worked all the way through Easter (which happens most years), I have been exhausted and not able to cope.  That is precisely why I started writing again.  Writing is a coping mechanism. Moreover, I have been using breaks when I by lunch or am in lifts to go through my twitter or read FB articles, and some of them get my brain thinking (like the multi tasking one).  Usually, I would write in those moments. And also, I have never been so single tasked as I have been in the last 2 to 3 weeks. One project is also not something my brain can cope with. And that includes barely doing any charity work, so really there was just one thing on my mind.  There is no way the hyperactive in me can deal with that for a long time. On Thursday at 3am when I went to ...

Last week I got asked to write a piece by the Financial News, related to fundraising for remote causes (vs. local).  Though I did not say much, I was so excited. After all these years, here was my very first op-ed, about a theme I definitely had something to say. 650 words to speak my mind and also bring to the world a bit more about ALG.  I was asked to write the article following my participation in the FN Extra Mile 40 list, for which I got nominated a few months back. This is a new list published by the FN, highlighting the service of people working in the city in multiple fronts - from giving, to doing, fundraising and the like. I was (naturally) in the doers list but I have been keeping a profile on the nomination.  Other than the front page on MS Today, not much of the world knew about it. In time, I believe the list will grow similar to Top 50 Influential Women in Finance, but until then, I am just proud to have been on it.  Anyway, back to the article....

I read an article a few days back, somewhere in between buying lunch and yet another model, about how multi tasking is over rated. It is funny how it reasonated with me, even though I am a born mult tasker.  I do loads of things, And i can deliver on different projects, deadlines, topics and managing different people. Really well. But I do them one at a time, even though they look at the same time. When I am working on something i compartamentalize. If it is something higly absorbing, I go through meal times or loo breaks without note, realizing at 4 pm the deli is close or ran out of bread.  I keep an eye out for the corner of my screen and have usually very defined what will allow me to interrupt - such as an email from my boss or an answer on a question on what I am working on. If less interesting I mqy introduce a greater level of procrastination. Even on email ai try to be focused. If i am cleaning emails, i will do it till the end, to really have the clearest picture of ...

I have been away. For quite some time. When my wise friend reached out to ask if I was ok, i realized how long it had been. And that was 2 months ago. Truth is, life has not been easy on us this year. Health was not bad but was not strong and we had a few scares.  Nanny was gone and we were left juggling everything  with work put down on our llst. And now that js back up on the list, it has been extremely intense as I seem to remember hinting I was not satisfied in my last performance review. I can't even say I am now over with it, because I am chosing to write the morning after I was the one putting the lights of the trading floor on, as I walked by to leave at 1am. But I know I have to re-start somehow.  Nothing was wrong this year, but also nothing felt quite right, Life was a struggle but nothing really zi would complain too much about. And i guess until it felt a bit better I did not have the mental ability to write. I felt too distant from everything.  I am rea...