Skip to main content

Peaks and....

Sometimes it is just too much. And it does not even have to be big, sometimes the little things are enough to get to you. I guess I am just tired - but not tired of not sleeping, tired of all always being a fight. I guess I was just as tired before but the difference is my job has deteriorated materially and my benefits of being home increased greatly. And them there's the NGO - with the new people, I feel I need to give it a boost and use this as an opportunity to get things off my plate. But I just can't seem to do it. Some days I come home sick of the fight, others I get sad about B's fight and one way or the other everything drags on.
They want to give me a prize. I wonder if that will still apply if one day I give up. I never felt like this before. I never thought of giving up as being an answer but i am overwhelmed about the feeling of dissatisfaction. 
There are all these things I don't do anymore, that I stopped doing around the years. Most people blame 'being married' but the single answer is the NGO. I put all my strength on it and now that I have to use my strengths in other things I feel i may not have enough. 
My friends from the analyst class of 2004 are all getting together this saturday. For good old days sake i organised it. And i will only feel an outsider knowing most of them still meet quite often. But I can't find the time. I had to optimise my social connections to make time for the NGO. It feels bitter today somehow, and I don't like it bitter. Perhaps tomorrow will be better...

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

We are not afraid.. are we not?

I see signs saying we are not afraid. Londoners are tough and endured the bombings of WWII. But those Londoners are hardly the same as the ones here today. Yes people in general are resilient, more than we think we can be when looking outside out. That is anywhere in the world, not just in London. And truth be said there is merit in not letting fear control our lives and terrorism win.  Well I just walked into the district line, 5 stations away from Parsons Green and I am afraid. I am not shaking, crying or running away. But I am afraid mostly because it is all so natural. Life must go on I said, as I decided I was not going to cancel my lunch and avoid the tube. But that is what makes it scary. Life goes on and in an effort to not be afraid we recklessly do not change our habits and rely on the stats that more people die on the road then on terrorist attacks. Reality is, the law of probability does not matter because terrorist events are binary.  So I think about my frie...
1 comment
Read more

Too low

Sometimes I feel too low. .  My job by nature involves a lot of rowing against the current, or sometimes just rowing on my own.  I have these immesurable drive to get results and some moments in th day, whére I look and evaluate what I have not progressed, it just brings me down. Today I almost cracked. It does not happen often, I must admit. Maybe I should have blogged during the day to help with the venting process.  An accumulation of incompetence, unwillingness and also just the absolute amount of work it needs to be done by a single person (me) has made me really question why bother. As B says, it's just money, and it's not mine. I wished I could feel like that today.  Maybe i just need to buy those supplements And naturally on top I feel like a bad mother. No matter how I spent the day thinking how I missed C, that wont bring me closer, and what does she care about my thinking. She wants me there. She has struggled with the last weeks, and has become more attac...
Post a Comment
Read more

Flying Sunday

It's been a while, I know. But time is really a precious asset and I have not been leveraging on it well enough... But today I did and I am proud. I threw all the plans out of the window and took the irrefusable offer I was made "Do you want to go flying today?". How does no work as an answer there? Here is one of the c. 30 airplanes you could see there. First reaction from our pilot: "Why are all these planes here, don't people realize it is an amazing day for flying?". Well, I had not untill he told me so! But the best is still to come, as the only girl in the group I got to ride in the front, get first view in take-off, listen to the radio of the air control all the time (we get Boston airport frequency), check the map, speeds, everything... I guess throughout the way we were some quiet passengers, in the wonders of realizing you are on air, the curiosity of identifying different places and the struggle to take the best pictures as we pass the Harvard...
2 comments
Read more