Home Away From Home

A friend of mine told me last week 'it's like a domino, if one thing does not work, everything is out of place'.  He fully underestimated the impact of his words and every day since then I think about the analogy. His point was even, are you really living if you are just following the domino along?  I mean, I guess it is good if you got your system well figured out to do all the things you love but what if you need to add an extra piece?  My system has become very stable. 7.00 I get up, most of the times lucky that C had a restful night. Most of the times I still wake up dead tired, much of it thinkong ahead. Shower, clothes, bag and if C is sleeping I will just head out just after 7.30. Some days I prefer she does not wake up so I can dash and start work early or not have to say bye to those little eyes staring at me and knowing I am leaving. But most days i quite enjoy our little moment, I sit her in my bed and she babbles, smiles, claps, and gets me ready for the day. ...

Yesterday, a friend told me a story, one that I will share with no names to keep their privacy, but one I have to share.  His 5 year old daughter attends school somewhere in London.  Last week she came home and told his parents that her teacher was going to leave the school.  She explained to the boys and girls in her classroom that she was now engaged to be married and therefore she was done with work, as her future husband could provide for her and this was what women did.  My friend was outraged. Is this even allowed?  Trying to persuade his daughter that she could do whatever she wanted in her life and women did not at all have to stay home, he was only more discouraged by the fact she was not proud of the fact that her mother and grandmother worked.  After all, all other dads were good to allow the mums to spend time with their children and pick them up from school.  Why would she care if only her mum worked - that did not look like a goid thing. ...

Sometimes it is just too much. And it does not even have to be big, sometimes the little things are enough to get to you. I guess I am just tired - but not tired of not sleeping, tired of all always being a fight. I guess I was just as tired before but the difference is my job has deteriorated materially and my benefits of being home increased greatly. And them there's the NGO - with the new people, I feel I need to give it a boost and use this as an opportunity to get things off my plate. But I just can't seem to do it. Some days I come home sick of the fight, others I get sad about B's fight and one way or the other everything drags on. They want to give me a prize. I wonder if that will still apply if one day I give up. I never felt like this before. I never thought of giving up as being an answer but i am overwhelmed about the feeling of dissatisfaction.  There are all these things I don't do anymore, that I stopped doing around the years. Most people blame 'bei...

The end of the week is always glorious - there is just so much to look forward to, even if most of it is just illusion. More time to sleep, more time to rest, read a magazine, do some charity, see friends, have quality time with B and C. My personal fitness bubble is bursting in joy (though you may have noticed I did not put gym time in the things to look forward to).  The bubble is bursting and eventually pops around 8.30 pm on Sunday once the balance of the weekend is more quality time with B and C, time with friends and none of the rest. And that is brilliant on its own. But eventually i will over compensate on Sunday night charity work and bring the sleeping and resting more into negative ground. Well at least I am predictable. That helps, as it reduces the 'schock' of the end of the weekend. But still, it won't change the feeling that I am in autopilot mode and the 'back to manual' button is broken.