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Bye

Bye grandma.
Our goodbye was done a long time ago, even before you were ill. Our goodbye was unexplainable and to an extent unacceptable. You chose not to be with me, you chose not to ever meet B or C. Only 3 months ago did you find out C was even born. And we tried, we gave you outs. Even if we didn't, you never even wanted. 
And I am so sorry. I have so much trouble understanding how little love you were willing to give mum. As a morher, I understand even less, as the overwhelming feeling of having kids surpasses anything I could imagine. 
And I am so frustrated. Frustrated you had to end in sadness rather than surrounded with family, with grand children and great- grandchildren. Frustrated about how people chose to be apart when life is so short and so temporary. No matter what we believe about after life, life on this earth as we know it is indeed limited. So making the most of what God or the universe gives you only makes sense. 
And I am so sad. Sad for me, for Mum, for P. We have such great memories. I used to play cards with you, there I was special. Loved having you around, your red polished nails and yellow bright hair. 
Last time we met we begged you to come with us. You said no, 
I am sad I spend my life trying to make others less miserable and I fail with my own family. That's it. I said it. 
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