For #worldmentalhealthday I thought I would put it out there. Not that I hide it from people that want or need to know, but it is true that I don't put it out there as much as I could, and that does not help other people like me. I may not go as far as facebook today, but it is a start.
In 2015, I entered an emotional roller coaster that looked like a spiral trending only in one direction. I was constantly sad, tired and disappointed at the world. I lost interest in many things, I did not want to be in large social gatherings, I lost my bubbly personality. I cried a lot. It did not show at work, but it did everywhere else. Did something life changing happened to do this? I can't justify it by a single event but there were a series of individual events that were more negative than in any other year. Life was just playing tricks rather than treats that year.
The week before I turned 34 was when I knew. My birthday was always something I celebrated with joy surrounded with friends. I just wanted to be home, no friends just family and even so I did not care much about it. In a life changing chit chat with my sister I put it out there. 'I believe I am suffering from depression'. Being her pragmatic self 3 days later, the day of my actual birthday, she approached it and said she spoke to a Doctor. I was offended, enraged, angry. I was only getting to terms with it, how could she do this around my back. It all came out then, but at least then B knew. He was oblivious to it, as many of us are when people around us suffer in silence. He knew something was up but was giving me space and time trusting it was just a blip.
For the first few months. I worked on self cure, spoke to friends, recognised what I felt and how it made no sense. I asked B and one of my best friends to force me to the Doctor if I did not feel better by a certain date. The meticulous me complied with her own deadline and went.
To this day, seeking professional help was one of the best decisions I made in my life. I was lucky that my therapist match worked so well. Her name is Catia. The first time we met she diagnosed me as perfectionist. My thought was 'do I really have to pay for someone to tell me this'? Our meetings got more productive from there and I applied myself as a good student, doing homework and reading the recommended book. I found out it was not my fault, that actually the feeling is much more human nature than one would think. I found out there was no absolute definition of happiness to live by and the constant search for it was part of the problem. And I also found out that I can reprogram my brain to react differently and identify my reactions separating them from reality. It was life changing. Not just versus 2015 but actually versus my entire life.
Since then, I place a great value in mental health development. I had daily self assessments in the first weeks after I had baby S, I refreshed some of the tools, I practiced gratitude. I fell a bit but I did not get stuck. As I get back to work it is a constant work to keep a healthy mind, as pressures just pile up. But the conscious of where it can get to is crucial to keep me on the right track. I read more about mental health, I read about areas that I know bring me down, such as bringing my kids to being happy and moral human beings while making the most of the time that I am with them and less worried about the time that I am not. I take great focus on continuing my development and will most likely go see Catia sometimes.
Our brain and mind is what keeps everything going. Let's keep them going.
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