Monday, 13 March 2017

Mother of 2

I am now the mother of 2. Almost 7 weeks and counting. And #2 is as hard as I thought it would be. Sleepless nights feel harder, breastfeeding schedule feels harder, crying for no reason feels harder. The only thing that may not be as hard is guilt, as you now know, with the benefit of a 4 year old, you are potentially not the worst mother in the world.
Tonight I come back to writing as tonight is a real mother of 2 day. After so much preparation for the charity gala, I had hoped life would come back to normal today. Ok, so there is still tidying up and follow ups but overall somehow I believed things would be more in control. Oh naivity of an unusual optimist. C started being sick yesterday, required my full (now split) attention today and now exhibits a wonderful 39.6C fever. I feed the little one wanting to be cloned again and have my clone just watching over her rather than having to almost hide in another room to avoid contagion. 
I struggle not to feel guilt on this one, 2 months ago I would have taken my pillow to sleep on the floor next to her, today I had to send B. I guess that is why there are 2. I go back to my admiration for single parenting. But I keep the monitor on, just so I can keep an eye, or rather ear. 
Being a mother of #1 changed my life in many ways, some of them nocive to my health. I wonder what mother of #2 will do.

Wednesday, 23 November 2016

Life Chart

Today at CBT I was asked to plot my life chart. I knew some basic ones - potentially my highest and my lowest, but was interesting to try and plot 35 years into a piece of paper. I labelled the years under my age. 
I was sure on the lowest: 2015. The year where everything was fine and nothing felt right. That was easy. I even knew the date - 18 July 2015, the day of my 34th birthday.  I did have the relative question on where to plot the lowest. Is my lowest zero or just average. Will my lowest a blip when i try and do this chart at age 60?
I quickly moved on to what i rationalized as my second low, at age 15. Interesting enough, despite the havock of my father leaving at age 15, it did not feel nearly as bad as last year. Is it distance from the event? Can't tell. I can't pinpoint what I felt that made it low, how I dealt, was hard to connect with it. Generally, my feeling was the point would have been much lower had I known how the secondary effects would last through to today. Wow I might have really needed therapy then. But when it happened it was an isolated bad event rather that just became business as usual. If I remember feeling bad? Yes. But I did not feel abandoned and alone, I guess my life was still evolving to being able to digest such emotions. 
I then fiddled with the pen to come up with a childhood line. I remember it to be happy, but again memory fails me in how I should describe it. So onto grown up life. 
The climb as I moved to London was an ascending one, with only some blips in isolated segments of life. My job becoming a career, a break becoming an MBA in Harvard, a little gesture dream becoming a proper charity, meeting B and chosing to grow old together. 2011 and 2012 have to be the peak of this ascension. I must admit, I started by putting 2013 when C was born as the peak but most likely that was just because I should. Having a child is happy no doubt, one of the most special moments in life for sure, but the year around it may be nothing short of overwhelming. So i decided on 2011 as the peak year, with 2012 a close second. 
She asked why? I had trouble saying it, I am not even sure myself. The reason I learnt not to rationalise and explain why I feel sad sometimes (to avoid the risk of feeling worse), would probably lead me to also not explain why I feel happy. It was a day where I cared only about myself and B and was overwhelmed with joy to be able to sustain any other worries for longer than 5 minutes. Despite all that happened along the way. And we lead our life like that for a while. Worrying less, focusing on what we wanted to do more. We don't do that much. That is what I can't point. 
I don't think she was too happy that I had trouble connecting. I was not avoiding it, but I found that happiness is even harder to explain than unhappiness, even though it would most likely help me understand what drives happiness in me!

Friday, 18 November 2016

Flying with time - or not

I usually fly by, potentially faster than time itself. As I started expecting #2 I tried to go into lower gear and let some things drop. I don't make it to the office at 7 sharp, I do no start up work, I recognise my brain can not process charity accounts every night, I dont tender to C's every cry at night. I thought I was doing pretty well. 
As time went by I realized how tired I was and how my body was refusing to fly. It started to wear me down, how much I was uncapable of doing. In time I accepted age and everything else would not let me fly by pregnancy the same way as before. And I just had to accept it. 
I was getting there, in the middle of agreeing a house move at 7.5 months pregnancy. And then I was left out of boss. I only have 10 pct more work but I have 200 pct more pressure and lack an un-measurable amount of support. And I am going away in 2 months. And I can feel the baby going against my sitting on the computer position multiple times a day. I am struggling again, but again I accept I can not do more. It kills me but I also know this new awareness rejuvenates me. It is part of me. A new vision that allows me to see limitations as a natural element rather than a painful flaw.
I am still dealing with the body limitations and learning how not to let them bring me down, especially as they are often unpredictable or sudden. But I feel like with small steps, i could even take a few assisted flights.

Wednesday, 17 August 2016


I never really dreamt of going into education, at least not from a managememt perspective. Granted I probably thought of being a teacher at some point in my childhood, but don't we all? (Maybe not). I have to admit dreams of changing the world through education, either business or non profit, would have made an awesome application essay for business school. But at the time I was all about Mozambique poverty - education was only one of the avenues. 
But this idea came to me today, perhaps as part of my bigger things debate. What if I would go into education? It is a given I have thought many times of setting up an English school in Lisbon, but that is just a selfish mean to an end and I always recognise I am certainly not the most skilled person for the matter per se, even if I am opinionated about it. And then the realization comes - what about society changing schools, like (in theory) charter schools did in the US, like the KIPP academy that I read about in business school (if I remember the name correctly), studying what works in the Nordic systems, make a real change in th public education system of the country that raised me to be where I am today. 
Ideas flow and at least I don't have a business plan. You don't devise a master plan to change a system like that. You need to learn and most of all you need to understand whether you will add value in a way that truly is unique. It's a new thing to address issues in this manner. It is not that I am passionate about education, or policy for that matter, it is only that I have a passion for affecting change where I out my hands in, and that change seems to be gaining a new character. 

Bigger things

It's the sentence that does not leave my mind. So I put it on paper so it perhaps goes away.nor quiets in my uneasy mind. It is the end of the holiday, a short one this time, and this year i am back to normal with the holidays bringing me to think ahead more than I can see. 
Years go by, now 12 away from home, 10 in London and banking. Is this it? When is this it? The job and career keep going strong. There is no reason to leave, we are all settled and growing. If it was not for that place in the sun, literally, could I stay put? Or perhaps the place in the sun is only the storefront and th excuse to help me get there? Or is it the obstacle? Am I even looking at anything else in London  ? Not really, the only real change I want starts with packing my bags towards the sun. But I know it is not real that it will bring the other things I aspire to. 
I feel my life is meant to be more than this. A year ago, I was on the opposite side of the spectrum. I wanted to hit the breaks, make it stop, be normal and feel happy. I have come a long way to learn what I value and what really should drive me. I feared working onmy values for a long time, as I did not want to see where that road would lead me. Slowly I start to be ready to see it though. And somewhere inside my Mind has startd thinking about it again. It is not about what next, but about what will the future hiold, how will I shape it. I know I need to thread carefully, my Mind sometimes plays tiricks and takes control. I want to be constuctive about it, not to get stuck in the anxiety of not knowing how to get there. 
First of all, i have to even find out what 'there' means. So I feel i am destined to bigger things and I could truly make a difference in them. I don't mean this in any arrogant way, though that may be hard to believe. I mean that amongst all that I was given - drive, ability to deliver, focus, education, professional experience, i somehow feel I could have a larger impact at a larger scale doing something else. It could be social, it could be a start up, it could be teaching or affecting policy. I actually don't hold the answer. But I know it is time to start finding it. 

Monday, 27 June 2016

How we got voted out

It has now been 3 days since the dawn hit us woth the Brexit vote. My mourning period should be over but I feel it is just starting. On Friday, we got voted out of the EU. Yes, we. At first, I thought I was being pessimistic and really this was not about EU workers, but really immigration and refugees. As reality hits, and despite the Mayor of London's message that we are welcome here, the UK has changed in the last 48 hours, and suddenly it became acceptable to insult foreigners in the street, to send them home, to tell them they are no longer welcome. This has been a really additional shocker to everything else that was already happening. 
On Friday, I was immersed in sadness. I could not believe the magnitude of the decision that just happened and the implicarions for the UK, for Europe, and the world. Few crisis are so directly self inflicted as this one. I was in the office at 3 am, ready to see history unravel but really hoping I did it. Until 3, there was space for hope, from there there was just disbelief around me. Certainly there were some leave voters there, but either they were to shocked at the outcome or just felt sorry to rub it in our faces straight away. There was some panic, but the overwhelmimg feeling of most people was sadness. Is this at us? Is this at the poor refugees whose country has been destroyed by war? Is this because of bankers dictating the rules of business? Is this because of pure power plays of power hungry politicians? What about the people? What will this mean? 
When I got home I tried to tell C I as sad because our country that we lived in said they did not want to be friends anymore. How can I explain to her the country she was born in does not want her there. In my bag I feel the safety of my newly printed citizenship documents and her passport application form. No, it is not like I want to be British right now. But I have to be pragmatic. She was born here and is starting her education here. I want to give her the optionality to live and work here in the future, if this is still a good place for that then. We have had the forms for a while, but the illusion this might never happen made us postpone it. No more. And what about us, what if we are out of jobs, go back to Portugal and things don't go as planned? Re-entering will be much harder. And we are entitled to passports anyway. I print the forms in the clear internal conflict, that right now, I do not want to be British. 
And then the weekend just makes everything worse. People regretting votes, Leave campaigners coming out to say some of the promises are not quite like that, Leave voters saying they only voted because they did not think they could win, Cornwall massive voting Leave and now saying they want to keep EU funds and will now do an impact assessment. Usually you do that before you choose. I can't help but feel revolted at the bad campaign of the last months. Rather than fighting each other, Remain campaigners were unable to engage at each constituency level and explain in plain, truthful and legal English in a way people would see this befor they vote. The level of discredit given to politicians is so high that people had trouble believing in anything that was said. How can people be surprised the NHS number is a fraud, how can people be surprised at David Cameron quitting and now being stuck with Boris, how can people be surprised that the EU did not come running after the UK with a sweet deal and rather said 'out is out please leave now'. 
And when you thought it could not get more damaging the social media starts telling me about all the incidents. A woman on the bus with a baby is told by an old lady to leave and go pack. A polish waiter in a restaurant asked by a British couple 'why are you laughing, you have to go back to your country now'. 3.1 MM people signing a petition for a second referendum, a general strike called for all EU workers, anti-brexit marches, the list goes on. 
What have you don UK? Will you be UK for long? Do 52% of people even know why they voted out?

Tuesday, 14 June 2016

Should I stay or should I go

I was trying to have a relaxing journey home, but then I have this group talking about the referendum next to me. And this clearly non Brit girl is saying she thinks she will vote to Leave. She has no particular reason, and when her friends try and explain the impact on the real estate, pound and economy, the answer is 'well, that is none of my business'. She goes on to say she won't be here for that long so that won't matter anyway. I want to scream - then just don't cast a vote if you don't feel strongly and you won't even feel the impact and you don't even know what it means!'. After the first silence her colleagues continue to talk about impact on jobs - she does not care - look if you work in Paris you can't be fired. I grab my ipad, I know my mind won't let this one go. And she ends with 'look I don't know much about it, but I think philosophically I will vote Leave...'. It takes another station for her collagues to react. 'dude, just vote remain'. In the absence of any more possible justification they go on saying they hope the polls to Leave will make the remain people show up on the day to vote. I a, with them on that one. In fact, i think that everyone should show up, for either side, as long as they have a reason and are conscious of the impacts. Rather than voting Leave because it is cool and I won't be here to pay the price anyway so who cares!