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Peaks and....

Sometimes it is just too much. And it does not even have to be big, sometimes the little things are enough to get to you. I guess I am just tired - but not tired of not sleeping, tired of all always being a fight. I guess I was just as tired before but the difference is my job has deteriorated materially and my benefits of being home increased greatly. And them there's the NGO - with the new people, I feel I need to give it a boost and use this as an opportunity to get things off my plate. But I just can't seem to do it. Some days I come home sick of the fight, others I get sad about B's fight and one way or the other everything drags on.
They want to give me a prize. I wonder if that will still apply if one day I give up. I never felt like this before. I never thought of giving up as being an answer but i am overwhelmed about the feeling of dissatisfaction. 
There are all these things I don't do anymore, that I stopped doing around the years. Most people blame 'being married' but the single answer is the NGO. I put all my strength on it and now that I have to use my strengths in other things I feel i may not have enough. 
My friends from the analyst class of 2004 are all getting together this saturday. For good old days sake i organised it. And i will only feel an outsider knowing most of them still meet quite often. But I can't find the time. I had to optimise my social connections to make time for the NGO. It feels bitter today somehow, and I don't like it bitter. Perhaps tomorrow will be better...

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