Home Away From Home

Some days you can think it is all better even if there is no sign of improvement at all. I guess it is the sun out there and the fact that we can finally do a bbq and spend time outside even if that means I need to dress C in an extra layer. Yes, it is definitely below 15 but the sun and the terrace are too appealing. Yesterday I even had a pimms. The other thing is that I have been letting a lot out in the last 24 hours - writing, talking et al. It helps, it's the best way to keep you from going down, it's to grab the bull by the horns and make sure it does not become something you need to press down and hide. So all looks better today even though C is still eating for the last hour and spent the morning since 7am taking 10-15 minutes naps...

If i ever thought it would take a 3 week old to keeping me from keeping my cool I would have thought myself wrong. But I admit there are hours that are more of a challenge. I think the worse is the feeding or the lack thereof. It is hard to feel you need 'time off' after that one hour and a half and you can't help but feel like sh*** because you are not supposed to need time off! And plus the rest is also the fun stuff, so you want to be doing fun stuff too... But you just can't do it all because that weighs on your sanity. I guess I need the sanity more than the sleep so I will try to go back to my old self and sleep less to stretch the day. Let's see how that works out!

It is hard for someone like me, someone so used to being on top of everything though always fighting time. Someone used to just sleeping less to sort any delays, to just do one more stretch and methodically go through my to do list. And now I have no control. Don't get me wrong, I am loving it, C is a piece of heaven and she is truly not a difficult baby. But perhaps she comes after is and she is awake a lot in the afternoon which means she takes control of the afternoons!! Sometimes she is just being interactive, listening or cuddling so it is not like i even notice. Bi just get to 7pm and say - oh day is gone again! We will find a way!

It has almost been a week and though it is still hard to believe we are some miles away from that feeling. The past six days have been intense and the funny thing is i can't help but think I had the best preparation for motherhood - investment banking... And B had consulting. It is a marathon, not a sprint, as people always say, though it may feel like a sprint in many laps. It will be intense like a sprint but it it will over last your patience, tolerance and best understanding like a marathon. I might struggle enjoying all the wonders of all the 'first times' would i not have a past of sleeping at late hours, short nights and recovering with a few couple of hours and no more. Yes, it is still hard on me, but i am amazed to just focus on the beauty of it and the aftermath that easier also means the wonder is replaced by anything less than a miracle like feeling.